Black Trash Bags

I was 10…
…10 years old…
…when you walked out that door.
You said, “This is for the best and God Bless.”
…My Mother and I sat on the couch
And watched Jay Leno tell some stupid joke
As you gathered your things
And left.
…I crawled closer to my Mother…
…and I didn’t sob,
I didn’t cry,
I didn’t scream…
…I was just confused.

…I came home from school one day
And saw what it seemed like
Dozens of black trash bags
Filled with your things.
…I ripped them open
And tried to put your items back.
“I don’t understand, Mom;
I don’t get it.
Why is Daddy’s stuff tucked away?”
…She said…
…”He wants to be somewhere else,
So I’m letting him be.”

…I ran to my Great-Grandmother’s house.
I screamed and told her my Mom was ludicrous,
But she couldn’t respond….
…She was very ill and had to deal with her own issues.
…I crawled into her nursing bed
And just laid on her chest;
…Her heartbeat was the ONLY thing
That kept me sound.
…The beat put me to sleep…
…and I dreamt of the days
When they didn’t hate each other.
…My Great-Grandfather
Walked into the room
And said,
“She’s been looking all over for you, Pammie.
Head home, child.
I need to be with my wife now.”

…I came back home
To see my Mother
Throwing hard objects at my Father
And my Father striking back
And my Brother walking upstairs…
…ignoring it all….
“Stop, yall, stop!”
I screamed and screamed and SCREAMED
And couldn’t feel
My neighbor dragging me out the house.

…The following day,
As I came home from school,
I heard my mother
SHOUTING,
“You got that bitch on my phone!
Get the hell out!”
…My Mother lurched toward him
And I ran out the house.

…I just ran and ran…
…and it seemed like
Chester’s streets were too little
And not big enough
For me to run
‘Til my legs got tired.
…I ran around the whole city…
…just trying to fill the time,
So I wouldn’t have to see them argue.
…I finally ended on 10th Street,
Dropped to my knees,
And sobbed,
Uncontrollably;
…Tears of confusion
Streamed down my face
And onto the ground.
…I could feel my stomach grumbling
And hated the fact
That I had to return to
THAT HOUSE
To satisfy this STUPID thing called hunger.

…I made my way back,
To walk in and see the black trash bags
Scattered across the floor,
AGAIN!
…I removed a picture from one
And spotted one of Daddy, my Brother, and I holding each other….
…I screamed…
…Really…loudly…
And tore it into pieces.
…I turned,
To see my Father walking into the room.
I brushed pass him,
Ran into my room,
And slammed the door.
…Just the sight of him
Made me wanna cry
…and pretending that I never saw him
Made me feel better….
…It seemed like sleeping
Was my only haven
Through all of that chaos.

I was waken, hours later,
To the hurling of those
Big…
Black…
Ugly…
Trash bags
Down our steps.
…I walked downstairs
And sat on the couch
Next to my Mother.
…As he moved
HIS things
Into the car,
…I could feel
The confusion…
…And anger…
…And hatred…
I had inside.

…Why’d you leave,
Huh?!
What’s the matter?!
Were we not good enough?!
Was I not a good enough child for you?!
Did my Mother not do all you wanted?
Was she not pretty enough?!
Did we stink?!
Did we look ugly?!
Were my Brother and I too much of nerds for you?!
Did my Mother not please you the way you wanted?!
Was your ass too horny to wait ‘til you got home from work?!
And why…
Why…
Did you renew your vows
And let your family look like fools in the Chapel
And lie in front of God,
If you didn’t want what the fuck we were there for?!
Why Dad, why?!
Please make me understand
Because I still don’t get it
And this shit happened
Almost 9 years ago.
Why…
You asshole?!
WHY?!....

…I sat on that couch and tried to find a reason…
…But I still don’t have one.
You left us because you were impatient
And that…
…I CANNOT…
Forgive you for.
…I love you…
But grow the HELL UP!